🧙♀️ Scabatha the Ink Witch
Customer Support Sorceress
Once cursed to answer emails for eternity, Scabatha brews ink potions by moonlight and channels eldritch rage into passive-aggressive ticket replies. May hex you for asking about order status twice.
🐀 Ratticus Helpus
Customer Support / Emotional Damage Control
A former rodent rights activist turned complaint sponge. Fluent in sarcasm, printer errors, and fake apologies. Responds to all messages with, “We hear you, we just don’t care.”
💁♀️ Vinyl Vicki
Customer Support – Glitter Division
Corporate survivor turned defected DIY queen. Specializes in redirecting dumb questions to FAQ pages she wrote in blood. Can peel a vinyl backing with her claws.
🦷 Bleachfang
Customer Experience (Unfriendly Fire)
They say if you scream into the void, Bleachfang answers. Handles escalated issues by printing your name on a shirt and setting it on fire. Problem solved.
🧟♂️ Squeegee Steve
Print Shop Lead / Solvent Addict
Once a man. Now a machine made of mesh, ink, and trauma. Sleeps under the press. Eats only cold burritos and lives for misaligned prints and noise shows.
⚰️ Coffin Chris
Night Shift Ink Slayer
Grinds ink by hand from crushed bones and Riso toner. Never seen in daylight. Might be undead. Favorite phrase: “That’ll never flash right — let’s run it anyway.”
🦺 Meshface Mike
Lead Tech / Tension Specialist
Lives for high mesh counts and low patience. Spends 90% of his day screaming “WHO TOUCHED THIS SCREEN?” into the void. Feared and respected.
🔥 Hot Ink Hank
Cure Master General
He runs the dryer and your stress levels. Once cured a hoodie at 500°F “just to see what would happen.” Burned the logo into the table and called it art.
✏️ Posterchild Paul
Design Dept – Layout Gremlin
Still uses MS Paint out of spite. Has a sixth sense for misaligned text and clipart crimes. Once fought a client over Helvetica and won.
💋 Skuzzette
Art Department Diva
Half rat, half riot grrrl. Only uses magenta. Doodles your soul into every mockup. Designs that slap and emotionally damage you.
🖌 Gutterrat Gabe
Freelance Filth Engineer
Sleeps under the light table. Claims to be “freelance” but hasn’t invoiced since 2022. Refuses to clean up Photoshop layers. Somehow always high.
✒️ Sharpie Shane
Stencil Designer / Chaos Consultant
Draws every design by hand, upside-down, in the dark, using a stolen Sharpie. Hates rulers. Loves caffeine and confrontation.
📦 Boxcutter Beth
Shipping Lead
Taped three fingers together “for speed.” Has the USPS on speed dial and once packed 200 shirts blindfolded. Do not cross her. She will ship your soul.
🚚 Courier Carl
Delivery Driver / Escape Artist
Delivers with style and side-eye. Has crashed two vans and claimed both were “on brand.” Uses back alleys to avoid both traffic and social interaction.
🐀 Mailin’ Margo
Packing Dept – Tape Demon
Wraps orders tighter than her unresolved issues. Hates bubble wrap. Loves destruction. Known to write messages inside packages just to mess with people.
📬 Stampy the Clawed
Postage Affixer / Mood Swinger
Applies stamps with teeth. Screeches when denied overtime. Has a sticker hoarding problem. Probably watching you.
📋 HRat Bastard
HR / Morale Suppressor
Wears a tie. Doesn’t believe in ethics. Wrote the employee handbook in Comic Sans and blood. Files grievances under “L” for “LOL.”
👔 Compliance Carl
HR’s HR
Technically still on probation. Definitely not compliant. Responsible for four lawsuits and one questionable motivational poster.
🐭 Crumbface Cody
Shop Rat / Intern
Was lured in with expired energy drinks and hasn’t left since. Sleeps behind the ink shelf. Knows secrets. Keeps them for snacks.
☕️ Bean Fang
Coffee Runner / Caffeine Oracle
Knows your order before you do. Once chugged espresso out of a screen. Whispered to a Keurig and made it cry.
🔪 Latte Slayer
Barista / Print Tech-in-Training
Pours skulls into your latte foam. Resents the universe. Will stab you gently with kindness — and a palette knife.
🤘 Caffeind Kyle
Coffee + Chaos Distribution
Shaking since 2019. Part-time print tech, full-time disaster. Adds “just a splash” of something into every brew. You don’t wanna know.
📸 Mugshot Molly
Content Manager / Coffee Brawler
Posts memes at 3am. Hates influencers. Has never drunk decaf. Will fight a troll and live-tweet the whole thing.